ALICE IN WONDERLAND (2010) makes me yearn for Sex, Lies, and 3D glasses

Posted by Daniel Metz

As Tim Burton’s new film starts, the camera whisks us through a Victorian landscape, scenery blushing with artistic flourishes, costuming brilliant and gorgeous. The first five minutes features subdued dream sequences, subjective perspective, ambiguous characterizations. I sat in the theatre, my special, non-temporary AVTR 3-D glasses sitting comfortably on the bridge of my nose, and wondered to myself: Is this the first 3D art film?

As we reached the 15 minute mark, I realized that I was in for disappointment. When the character of Alice is introduced as a plucky and clearly deranged teenager, her reactions and her relationship with a snot-nosed redhead made it clear that this was too bouncy a film to be art. So is it the first 3D prestige film? Some may say that honor belongs to Cameron’s Avatar, but I assure you, that is an action flick.

How does the expressive background contribute to the film's generic classification?

As the story progresses, and Anne Hathaway makes a non-nude, non-drug-addicted appearance, it becomes clearer and clearer, not curiouser and curiouser, what this film really is: just another 3D children’s film. In my November review of Fantastic Mr. Fox, I wrote, “Please, Tim Burton (another great living director), do not make an idiotic movie that adults cannot enjoy wholeheartedly.” Unfortunately, it seems that Burton hasn’t been reading this blog.

The film lacks the brilliant word games that the source text contains and many of the film and TV adaptations preserve. Instead, it is mired in action sequences, fantastic visuals and a plot that is vacuous without reaching the point of absurdity that would have made it enjoyable. Johnny Depp hams it up as always, and is surprisingly unable to extend the insanity of the Mad Hatter beyond his introductory scene. For some strange reason, screenwriter Linda Woolverton (whose first writing gig was on the “Ewoks” TV show) decided to create a romance between Alice and the Hatter, which is ridiculous and unbelievable; as a result, Hatter has to become de-clawed and normalized for the sake of the coupling. Did Depp not realize that the range of weirdness that the Hatter represents was the reason he accepted the role?

Not even the horrible make-up job can save you...

The shining beacon in this film is Helena Bonham Carter, whose role as the bulbous-headed Queen of Hearts is inspired and hilarious. She screams orders with an evil and sinister quality that only a true fairy tale villain possesses. Unfortunately, however, Carter’s could not rescue this horrible film, the worst picture in Tim Burton’s failure-full career.

There is actually a scene in which Alice, who is played here by the uncharismatic Mia Wasikowska, defeats a Jabberwocky by saying, “I should believe in six impossible things before breakfast.” And then with each stroke of her sword, she recites one of the six things. Why? This level of sentimentality is so pointless and condescending that I don’t think it even registers as sentimental to those above the age of 11. Get strength through your imagination, Alice, it’ll help you defeat not only Jabberwockys, but also the oppressive gender relations of Victorian England.

And how is the battle scene before breakfast, anyway? It nighttime during the fight, and she has been eating cakes and drinking animal-part potions all day. This kind of ineptitude and thoughtless speech pervades the film.

I wish you never went in there

The film ends with a feel-good moment. Alice leaves the rabbit hole, returns to the real world, and faces her friends and family. No, she says, I won’t marry that redhead, because I’m my own person. She then, improbably of course, goes directly into the office of her dead-father’s business partner, and joins him by presenting a business plan about China that apparently came from nowhere. Not only is she independent, but she’s suddenly respected like a grown man. Don’t worry, kiddos, everything’s fine and history isn’t really filled with all that bad oppression stuff you may have heard about.

All of this is to say that Alice in Wonderland is a horrible, idiotic, and potentially upsetting film for children and no one else. Furthermore, it is not the art film (or even the prestige film) that I was hoping for. Nevertheless, it did give me the opportunity to envision what a 3D art film would be like. If we put a camera in the hands of a talented, sensitive filmmaker like Gus Van Sant, maybe, or Lars Von Trier, or maybe somebody like Jim Jarmusch, wouldn’t that be marvelous?

I can see the advertisements now: The First 3D Art Film! Finally Bringing Stark Realism to Life! That would be a lot of fun. Unfortunately, it probably won’t be someone like Pedro Almodóvar or David Lynch who will be the first art auteur to make a 3D film, but instead it will be someone like Steven Soderbergh, whose films I like but who will definitely fuck it up.